Sometimes you just get that buzz inside you, you know the one where there’s so many feelings and energies still lingering in you that they need to escape onto paper.
I will always prefer my pen to a paper but the odd time I want others to know what I authentically express…
…now is one of those times.
I woke up yesterday morning in a dark place. Sometimes the simplest things shake me back to a place that’s so dark I can’t even bear to look at myself. The journey to healing your soul is a treacherous one and we all bear marks unique to our learnings for this lifetime….but we can only view life from our own lens.
It makes it difficult.
We can never truly know what someone else is feelings or thinking….even if they tell us, we can never know if those tantalizing words are ever truly ….truth. If my truth is different than everyone else’s how can one ever know what’s real. What is the truth?
That’s the space in which I get lost, fall down and struggle. I used to consider myself a truthful person with integrity at the core of my own values, presently I want to be one that walks the path of truth. So it’s rough dealing with everything I’ve done that was not in line with my own truth….
….what’s harder is not knowing whether what you did it for was even real. Was it even true?
That’s where I currently sit and mull over…
what was true?
I’m typically honest to a fault, open, over-sharing Alison. That’s me. Once I was living outside my own truth I shut myself up and lied. I lied and lived in secret, I made others I care about lies in my life, alibis, lies and more lies. Truth was no where to be found. Something I used to deeply identify with was removed from who I was. Some of my memories over the past few years don’t even seem real because they were buried in piles of lies.
Living in lies makes your sense of reality severely effed up!
I never want to lie again.
I remember feeling so exhausted and not like myself. Even waking up became a struggle because I didn’t even know who I was. Being separated from who you are is horrible. Empathy starts fading and your connection to yourself directly impacts your connections with everyone else. When I look back I can’t even stomach how I treated myself sometimes. I did everything that I was not and allowed myself to live in ways that didn’t allow me to be who I was.
Who I am.
Don’t take this as sadness because it’s not and I am not sad. I am healing myself and my past by dealing with these feelings and I think it’s important for others to know that just because I’m smiling all the time doesn’t mean I don’t have hardships to work through.
I apologize to myself often….for it is no one’s fault but my own that I am having to heal from this pain. It is painful to deal with….but at some point you just have to decide who you want to be and how you want to live your life. Only you can change yourself and the only thing you can change is you. I’ve decided I want to keep facing these things as they rise up and deal with them head on….but it is exhausting to say the least.
I’m so blessed with the support system I have. My friends have stayed by my side throughout all of this, even when I didn’t know who I was…they were always there, reminding me. For that I am grateful.
I’m grateful for my friends, family, my patience with myself, my life coach and my kids. Everyone around me is so caring, which finally includes me and how I treat myself. I feel the most caring I’ve ever been to myself and that gives me the strength to keep going. I don’t want to repeat history. I don’t want to live in my own guilt and shame. I am choosing to learn from my own mistakes, holding accountability and making sure I make new decisions going forward.
I finally feel like I have the tools to continue to face these inner demons, so face them I do….
Living in the light is hard. It’s showing all your dark parts and having true vulnerability. In doing that you become the truth. No one can shake truth. It is finite and concrete. My goal is to shed as many untrue layers off of me so that’s all that is left is who I actually am….which I know will take a lifetime.
I guess where I still struggle is accepting what I did and how I lived. I still don’t even know what the truth is in that mess… or maybe I do and I’m still too fragile to admit that truth to myself.
I can’t even admit it fully yet…
but I will.
Anyway I’m grateful for all this hell I’ve been through because I have never fallen so hard and when you get shaken to your core, you get a starting place…and when you’re at the core of who you are, you are given the amazing opportunity to redefine everything and choose who you want to be.
So far all I’ve decided is that I like the example trees give me….so I’ll continue to be more like them….
Can’t wait to see how I turn out 🙂
Thank you for listening.