I’m deleting the entire Story Series and starting afresh. I’ll be publishing anything I felt proud of writing…..
I hadn’t yet gone on a hunt with him. I was still super scared of being out in the real wild. Though my heart at it’s deepest of core felt extremely rooted in The Great Ancestors traditions and teaching and my devotion lay in the Forest, most of me was very much a muggle. I had grown up in the suburbs and loved the delicacies of the muggle realm one could experience if they had coin and status. Truth be told I had almost always envisioned myself with a man more grounded in the city living, someone I could really meet at a business level….
…but that was before I left everything to follow the call of The Tree Elders. It was they that needed me now, especially due to the virus, were different and people needed Nature and Magic and it was my path of service to deliver that to them. I was destine serve the Trees wishes and they wanted more people to know them, their magic and interact and create with them. The path was no longer about my individual needs, desires or attachments, it was about service.
So when he asked me to travel with him and come join in the hunt while Artew was mending back at the camp I agreed. I didn’t necessarily like the idea of hunting but I definitely didn’t hate it in ignorance either. I mean when I ventured out into the Forest it was a magical place with Trees and fairies and animals talking to me, teaching me, leading me to a better version of self. To Gavin, it was a bountiful place ready to harvest. He was really one with nature in a way that I had lost touch with because I was always so rooted in the magic of nature, I tended to overlook the actual muggle realm actions of wildlife and sing to them and listen to their spiritual messages instead.
“How do you decide?” I asked as we crouched silently behind the buckthorn, it was easy to hide in because it was so thick, as an invasive species not native here. No natural predators meant it could grow without a care and though their thorns are difficult to navigate being skilled with Hawthorn’s magic I was usually quite adept at making my way through it. “What do you mean decide?” he asked at a whisper so low it was barely audible, as his deep eyes almost glared at my breach of the silence. Choosing to ignore him, I asked, slightly louder with a smirk “How do you decide which one to kill? I mean how can you make that decision? I asked boldly.
He stopped completely. Turned to face me as we crouched there in completely nothingness and grabbed my arms, griping the outer sides of my biceps; “Nature Girl, there are so many factors and we will miss our opportunity for a feast if we don’t focus on the task at hand”. He sounded so matter-of-fact, “The short answer is you choose what’s best for the herd as a whole” and with that he let go of me and got up and went on, leaving me alone in the buckthorn brambles. It always felt so intense whenever he chose to make physical contact with me, so I just remained still for a moment to reground myself.
I said goodbye to the Buckthorn and thanked them as I had taken a few branches to make Roxie a headband because of how nice she had been to me the evening prior. “Is that common for a hunter to think?” I managed to get out between panting, as I ran noisily after him, “to think of the herd as a unit when hunting?” I asked him. You couldn’t even tell where he was. I could never tell. It both scared me and made me feel kind of excited in a nervous way like he might be hunting me, as he had stalked me before we had finally met in person. I was aware that I was still very much feeling the sexual energies inside me at our intimate encounter the evening prior. In the moment I didn’t allow any of his advancements and I felt scared and shy since it had been over two years since I had last been with a man. However, I couldn’t get the memory out of my head today and found myself distracted from our hunting goals because all I kept thinking about was how submissive I had felt when he approached me in the wood camp shower to offer me a towel and there was just something so absolutely sexy about being naked under a towel, in nature with a huntsman. Sigh, he was proving to be a distraction from my soul mission on so I continued to focus on learning as much as I could about nature through his lens instead of accepting the undeniable physical attraction between us.
“For me it is” his voice sounded echoing through Trees. Gavin came out into the clear path in front of me with two rabbits slung over his shoulder. “Looks like I missed your hunt” I said gesturing to the two bunny spirits, now nothing more than empty avatars with the purpose of feeding us. “For me it is…” he continued, “for me and those of the camp, as we are governed by the same mindset”. He brushed the sweat from his brow to the side which cleared the hair from his face and he looked deep into me as he came closer. He reached for my face and placed his hand there and said “However, for others, it’s not. Most people are out there for the trophy, out there to shoot something”, his hand left my face and I felt quieted. “Ya, like Elyk you mean? He and his men seem to shoot anything that gets in their way without much though of the bigger picture” I said calmly. Gavin always calmed me. I felt like melting butter in his presence, which was odd considering he wasn’t necessarily my type. He started moving back the way we came indicating with his gestures I should be following his lead. “Everything in the Forest is connected. Everything we need lives within it’s boundaries. Those who understand that treat it as one living thing. Those that do not, don’t. It is that simple.” he spoke with a hopelessness in his voice I hadn’t heard before. Almost as if he might have attempted to get others to realize this truth before, but was unsuccessful.
“I don’t wish to discuss it anymore. Why don’t you dance while I see if I can catch some fish to go with this rabbit. We can hunt deer another time.” He was firm with his request in a manner that was friendly and open but that demanded his boundaries be respected. I obliged. I wanted nothing more than to dance with the Trees and speak to them about Gavin and these overwhelming feelings. I couldn’t tell whether he was just after me physically like I was some sort of conquest. However, based off how he viewed the hunt and projecting that into our connection it didn’t seem like he had any motives for wishing to use me. We’re all humans anyway, why shouldn’t I allow myself to indulge in the animal experiences? Especially with a man that is grounded in such a state of present moment awareness, I just knew he’d want to devour me. I was aware parts of me wanted to allow this.
“No!” I exclaimed aloud, which startled me, as I looked around to see if Gavin could hear me. “Fuck” I thought, “I need to dance this out of me.” I often leveraged my sexual energies in devotion to The Trees as a means of grounding myself back to a place of honour and self love. It wasn’t that I wasn’t open to experiencing physical intimacy, it was that I never again wished to waste it on someone not in alignment with my soul’s calling. People needed me to succeed. Nature needed me to succeed. Animist, Enchaunti, The Druid Wizard.. and The Tree Elders all needed me to remain focused on the task at hand. Who knew where they all were now anyway. Maybe one of them had already found Raven. Maybe Enchaunti already retrieved the sceptre and I wasn’t really needed anymore and I could just take the summer off to explore what this lifestyle was truly all about.
I thought about it as I found an large Oak and prayed beside him. I asked for the grounding support needed to remain true to my hearts calling. Grounded in heart was a place I had always managed to feel safe, but meeting Gavin really changed that because the energies were just so different and intense. I couldn’t tell what I was experiencing and the Trees, nor this specific Oak were going to say anything other than “Release the past, ground in your truth, open your heart”. What kind of advice was that? How was that going to stop me from allowing him to rip all my clothes off and have his way with me in these phlox covered fields. I just did not know.
…then I remembered Animist.
I wondered how he was doing