Those were the words. Staring back at me in a dark blue dry erase marker.
I rolled over.
I was in the Ottawa Hospital Psych Ward and I was complete Alien Consciousness Status and struggling as a human. I was in such a state of pureness, so I just used my experience reflected to heal my wounded ego self.
The Story Series died in the 72 hours I stayed there. I leveraged every experience, every human present on the floor as a mirror reflection for my own life…. it was extremely interesting and cathartic but also intensely disturbing. Truth be told, it is an experience I will definitely expand on… but it is far too intricate to babble on about in my “rebirth” entry on the blog.
I enjoy journalling and writing about my experiences…. and I can’t wait for the opportunity to discuss why the fuck the white board over not only my own bed, but all the other “guests” in the nameless place that no one really wants to share about, all had similar instructions written. I also can wait to tell you how the name grid worked and how we ALL knew a “Nicole” and “Rob” in our waking lives. The “PCA’s” as they call them. I don’t know what exactly was real and what was in that section in the hospital you go when there’s been some faulty programming in your human mind. However, I found it interesting to observe in ful conscious awareness, of not only self, but the collective consciousness as an entirety. That’s actually what that experience allowed me to better understand…
….observation of the perceived self.
I thought my TRUE SELF was still some “I” or thing that I could embody at the end of the day. I thought it was some goal, some destination, some happily ever after. This version of self that was the one everyone was traversing along trying to know. However, if that experience taught me anyone thing it was this:
YOU ARE YOUR HOME < > ENJOY
WTF was I inside this time, how does one ground in Alien Consciousness as a human? I didn’t even know. I didn’t want to be some wise prophet or Alan Watts telling the humans that they are beyond all labeling and that they are battling an ego that isn’t even real. I wanted to be the identity I had already laid out carefully for myself…. or did I?
The levels of consciousness are truly remarkable… to navigate them while grounding in a dense and hollow 3D reality is confusing sometimes. WHERE should one ground? what level of consciousness? ALL?
I didn’t even know.
I hated thinking about “my purpose” or what the fuck I had to “serve” out to others now. I was EXHAUSTED and I don’t think I saw or understood the value of what I was doing before this experience either… and I hate that I can’t just wear some unauthentic mask and help people out…. but I ground as a human best when I can create and exist in each moment as my truest form of divine expression.
Now that I’m so much more self aware and better connected to the collective consciousness I can better understand the intricate dream weave. This was blocked significantly from my interactions with it due to an personal entanglement of what I would now refer to as HELL. Ram Dass was right, karma is in the mind and if you’re a bitch, it was a nightmare!! How the FUCK did I get to this place inside the Fariytale?
What place you ask?
Oh, well the place where dark meets light and good meets bad and innocence meets the devil himself. Oh fuck! I was living INSIDE my own web of programming; consisting of ANYTHING I had subconsciously or consciously taken on myself and ALL I wanted to do was go back to sleep. The spiritual community shames those asleep and prides itself on “waking up” ….well I was WIDE AWAKE and I would’ve given my life to be put the fuck to sleep after what I was now tapped into on the daily!
….Ground down to unit indeed. Relax….. how? Trees even felt hollow and nothing seemed to illuminate my heart fire like it had at lower levels of conscious awareness…. so I did as I always do: I returned to the one place that matters most to me: NATURE.
It was there that I was reminded of the human experience and it is only there that I can now exist. In fact, most of how I had been living was no completely out of alignment, as my child-like innocence in love and joy was completely shattered. No, you didn’t want ANY of what you were striving towards and tbh, I didn’t even want to help others in that way either, if they wanted to eat that cheese like I had, so be it….. I had to move forward, not worry about what was behind me now. Creating an immersive healing fairytale designed to heal others was something I thought I wanted to serve others…. now I see that I just wanted to live the truest version of my story where I was my own damn star.
Careful what you wish for they told me….
I was officially Alison Wright… and I was officially inside Wonderland…
…but for those that actually understand the story of Wonderland, that is the LAST place I wanted to exist.
Yet here I was: Inside the matrix of paradox’s and a whack of brainwashing that had my 0-5 like self clenching her legs together more tightly than ever before. If the devil was my maker…. I was about to meet him.
I took a deep breath and left the hospital as the sun shone into my eyes, I took one last look at the building where I had changed so much in just 72 hours, and I left.
If the devil was truly who I thought he was, there was only one thing left to do:
Face The Mirror on the Wall & Dive DEEP.