Musings

Bad Guy….

You all know one.

We all have one, some of us more than one.

The Bad Guy.

The vampire.

The Gaston.

The Damon.

The Egocentric.

The Narcissist.

The Wounded.

The ones that hurt you most in life will often become your own story’s person “Villains” and mine didn’t even like nature. How did I end up with him? How are the thought of fragmented memories still with me? Why did they come into my life?

I will tell you what I have come to know…

..Those meant to break us open, the ones designed to collide with our souls at those energetically magnetic times are a blessing in disguise. They come with lessons, that, once learned will break new ground, leaving karmic bounds held for lifetimes in their wake. They come with gifts of clairity and better understanding of who you are and what you want and need out of life, your relationships and dreams. They come with deep entry points into your inner darkness so you can enter and begin diligently wadding through your own disgusting messes, gaining more power as you learn that whatever YOU CHOOSE WILL HAPPEN. Read it again. For it is fact and it is POWER. Once you know this power you will begin to choose better. When you venture into your darkness, gaining more light with each acceptance, choice, decision and change you will become The Grey.

The Grey is where I wanted to be and because of the inner work I had continued to do my past years spent as a mistress were finally lifting completely. So though, let’s call him “Brad”, hadn’t been apart of my life in so long, his “Bad Guy” gifts were still healing my soul into wholeness. How could one refer to him as a Villain if one did not also refer to themselves in that situation as one as well….

….Thus came the birth of NajRolf and Raven.

I don’t wish to get too deeply into Raven’s character but as I looked back at how much I had abandoned myself and my own inner knowing of what was right and true for me, I realized that more than anything else I wanted to tell The Story. I wanted there to be a great healing available to people that followed my story who had their own Villain, their own “Bad Guy” and instead of blaming outside of themselves I wanted a character that would showcase what was actually happening.

That is Powerful.

NajRolf was originally a character based off of Brad in the time I had known him inside that 2 year and 9 month period of my life where my self esteem existed completely outside of myself. To this day it is still a mental fuck. Gaslighting it real stuff and the shame one feels at self betrayal is deeply painful. This piled onto a character with an emphasis placed on his negative qualities was exactly what I needed at the time.

At first I thought I wanted him to be a vampire. The metaphor of how tantalizing their charm is and their ever flowing desire of you is can be quite intoxicating to say the least. Even as I type these words the thought of Damon Salvatore feeding off my neck drinking all my blood has me quite turned-on. However, just as my blood is not who I am, nor is my avatar. A vampire is still a vampire and just because someone desires you doesn’t mean it’s about YOU. It’s actually the exact opposite. It has nothing to do with you because hey, let’s face it, most humans have no idea who the fuck they are and so someone feeding off their very life force, their energetic pureness, their own inner magic might seem to feel pretty good. Just as blood to a vampire, so is energy to an empty person. Do not allow them to drink from your full cup when they don’t know how to fill theirs. This isn’t anything to get excited about.

Anyway, vampires seemed like a good idea but in the muggle realm people were legit getting into relationships they felt were a divine union of twin flames. When really they were narcissistic psychic vampires. …. So I pitched this character (as before i want to film The Story as a Series of musical videos) and posted on the Kula Soul group community.

Florjan, a uniquely amazing individual responded and I was instantly in love with this gift from spirit. He was imaginative, creative, had great feedback and even jammed with me and our wooden sceptres in Dundurn Park one night taking the train in from Toronto without ever meeting me in person. That was bold and awesome and I felt deeply grateful for him. However, due to me own insecurties about The Story Series people always tended to flow in and out of it based off the level of confidence and certainty I had as the one leading this thing and because the FILMING of The Story Series never seemed to line up I often set it down and stopped creating it.

But Spirit flows. So just as Flo flowed on out of the character, both of us becoming so busy over the winter months he had left me with a name: NajRolf, which was his name spelt backwards and a deeper glimpse and source of inspiration for the evil character. I couldn’t have someone as muggle lame as Brad be the bad guy, he was hardly bad. Wounded and needed inner child work yes, but villain no. All I needed from him as inspiration were the memories I had from our encounter and the projection of his absolute selfishness and hatred of self. That I could definitely remember at the ready. Florjan added that NajRolf was an evil Magician and then asked me why he was coming after Raven… If you’re interested in his additions check out my first ever attempt at narrating The Story Series Prologue Below… That is all thanks to Flo!

Afterwards things went on and though I didn’t have a human inspiring NajRolf I definitely had a multitude of “song downloads” that still set fire to the characters journey. This left the space and room for someone to come into it…

….that’s when I officially met Richard.

I had never experienced a dance chemistry so sexual in appearance but so sacredly safe in a way that didn’t feel intimidating or uncomfortable to me at all. Any time that it did I simply spoke that truth and he mad me feel safe. Richard leads mens circles at Sacred Sons and is a great coach. He’s woke AF and very much used to be a bit like Brad, but he did the inner work. I was my villainous self as well back then but also had done the inner work. This allowed us the chemistry I had been SEARCHING for in order to play the roles in the proper dynamic. I didn’t need to teach Richard how to act in that energy, his only concern was how to be back in it since we were now nothing like that.

Any actor will tell you that both developing chemistry with someone and pulling from any and all old painful memories you can will help you embody the role you need to in any given scene. Neither of us are actors but we are humans that have experiences and we can pull from those.

To which he agreed and things for The Story Series seemed a lot more real for me to which I am grateful. I had a villain. I had found the “bad guy” and once you have a good guy and a bad guy you have a story.

That was exciting.

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