Musings

I never went west…

I wrote this in January 🙂

… Just as soon as I was feeling like I was turning a page to some sort of newness…. everything shifted and it was an interesting experience for me.

In this past I would’ve attacked externally and I would’ve probably taken definitive action to keep my flight, rearrange my plans and flow like the wind. I was used to taking focused actions and gaining the results I thought I needed.

This time however I went into self.

I was put into a position where I felt like I was being made into a villain, even though, inside I felt my heart to be noble and true. Anyway, it doesn’t much matter what the storyline was in this situation but more what it stood for:

I felt like I was being given an opportunity to trust…and not trust some external source, but that deep felt trust found only within ones own knowing. For “truth” to me is an unique as the individual perceiving it. So instead I got clear on what was actually happening, for I have found that looking at EVERY human like a “Duck” [having one (conscious) projection on the surface and the opposing force underneath (subconscious)] allowed me to see myself the same way…..

So I asked myself:

Do you want an external villain?

or will you face yourself in this?

I decided to choose myself.

It was interesting.

I sat there… feeling, experiencing and truly honouring both my truth and the truth of the other party. “Fine!” I said to myself, as I got up and grabbed my headphones, “I’ll go into it” … from their perspective my “Leading Lady” was challenging their inner masculinity to be a subservient role; a “Side kick” in their words. Confused, I then spoke my truth, which was met with resistance and then I perceived their masculinity “bullying” my inner femininity. It was only a matter of time before my subconscious/unhealed aspects reacted to their projections onto me.

Normally, we humans, blame the other party. Which I did. I reacted in my usual impulsive, deep trigger manner and BOOM. “Have a nice life” I said. Instantly I realized that was so a) predictable of me and thus meaningless HA! but b) that I needed to step back. I knew that even this push/pull, black/white was something I did as a trauma reactionary response. I hated confrontation and preferred to just leave a situation if I felt unsafe.

NOPE.

NOT THIS TIME…

I refused to have an external enemy so I faced my Leading Lady and even embodied the reflected Hero Bully in my own self as well. If this divine masculinity in my external reality was reflecting anything he was reflecting that both of us had become co-dependent and that our inner harmony wasn’t in a state of balance.

So I embodied the Shadow aspects of both and came to a realization. One, my inner femininity wasn’t too keen on having her Hero inside her heart, as a result he was fighting to remain dominant, he didn’t trust the female to lead. As an embodied divine feminine vessel I definitely couldn’t have this. So I spent much time ensuring my own inner Femme that she could take control of her own self and that gave me enough security to nurture my wounded masculinity to a place of power and strength. Then I felt better, now my inner masculinity was able to hold my inner femininity and she could relax into “him” and that grounding support, now she wasn’t trying to exert dominance over “him” …..

….. I wanted to badly to observe the victim and villain within my own energy because THAT is how things manifest on the surface. Now that both my energies were working together within myself I realized I LOVE having my femininity lead my own self. I need a harmonizing synergy within my inner man and woman that merges in PARTNERSHIP.

Once I was left with an inner partnership it was there that I noticed my Inner Child.

Hurt.

My little Alison didn’t feel safe to go to BC and be placed in that situation again. So I assured her she wouldn’t have to, but the issue was she was also extremely sad because that’s all she wanted. I assured her that we could go another time and that to go in this energy would actually be a disservice to both herself and the other party (as that is DIRECTLY USING someone….. so right then and there it becomes an energy draining situation based on fear and ego) So I chose love….

I loved myself and held my inner child and then I cancelled my flight.

I’m sharing this story because in the past I would’ve forced that inner child to go, maybe even to try to “heal” or fix the other party, she would’ve taken on all their pain as well as her own and not to mention possibly agreed to their inner projections of her….

….but that wasn’t me anymore.

I wasn’t going to allow myself to project outwards.

Truthfully I totally unconditionally love and value my connection with that other individual but at the end of the day, I can only be responsible for my half of things and this allowed me to see how much it is not my responsibility to be a different person than I am, nor take on external roles for others. It also allowed me to truly look at times I had made others in my life the villain inside me story. I didn’t want to be a victim. I didn’t need to be…. I didn’t want to be a villain (unless I was playing in my own Shadows) ….I didn’t need to be anymore.

Also this REALLY made me reassess my own boundaries and I don’t want ANY human in my life that can’t accept that the FEMININE energy is leading, this was Mother Nature through my vessel. I was done raising boys, unless they were my two own children. This showed me just how wounded my inner masculine felt and I still continue to explore and tend to him. This experience taught me that I wouldn’t ever put my inner child into a connection that she didn’t feel 100% safe to engage in. This interaction helped me cherish moments with other special “Characters” that you meet along the way…. without holding onto them.

At the end of the day… he was just a beautiful in the moment reflection for me on my own sacred journey….

….meeting that Mountain Elf helped me release the idea that I couldn’t remain infinitely open to someone from my past returning, while simultaneously choosing myself and the next step on my own quest forward.

So I kept going….

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